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Contents
Old fart, young heart.
Don’t make me mess your world up with the truth.
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You are offended by the things I say? Imagine the things I hold back!
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Enjoy your day, you’re not extinct yet.
Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.
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I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
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It’s better to fail than to cheat but its better to cheat than to repeat.
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Marriage is like a workshop. Husband works and my wife shops.
I think the woman who invented the phrase “all men are the same” was a chinese woman who lost her husband in the crowd.
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I should have come with a manual. I confuse myself.
I’m not 30, I’m 17 with 13 years of experience!
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Life is not a fairytale, if you miss your shoe at night, you are drunk.
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Some wise guy created whatsapp…..And his wife added last seen feature.
I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
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Phones are better than GF, At least we can switch it off.
Too busy to update a status.
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For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that’s where the knives are kept.
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I tried my best to see things from your point of view, but your point of view is stupid.
Sorry, i can’t hang out. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time.
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Money doesn`t bring happiness, but shopping does.
On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m a 15
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Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe, one day, you’ll find a brain back there.
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Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
If swimming is an exercise then why do whales are fat.
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I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.
Me and my wife lived happily for 25 years… and then we met…!
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If school has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking.
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Try to say the letter M without your lips touching.
Sometimes I just wish I’ could fast forward the time to see if, in the end, it’s all worth it.
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Even fools seem smart when they are quiet.
Sometimes it hurts physically to hold in my sarcastic comments.
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I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
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Lovely days in my life: childhood days, school days & collage days, horrible days in my life: only exam days.
Everything i like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
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I drink to forget I drink.
If you’re born in the month of September, it is pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
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Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.
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I am so poor, I can’t even pay attention.
You and your rumors have two things in common, you’re both fake and you both get around.
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I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school.
The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*.
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Dear google, please stop behaving like a girl. Will u please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.
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God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.
Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me.
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People with status don’t need status.
Why’s NASA never sent a woman to the Moon? Because it doesn’t need cleaning yet.
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No, there can’t be a crisis today. The boss is on leave.
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Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
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